Things I learnt from Hannibal fanfics
by Emilia De Las Rosas
Summary: The title explains everything...
1. Chapter 1

Things I learnt from reading Hannibal´s fanfics...

1) Clarice loves Hannibal, Hannibal loves Clarice, but she will NEVER recognize her love until:

a) she finds him to aprehend him

b) She meets him in: the street, in Florence, in Buenos Aires, in a strep tease club, muskat farm, in my grandmother's house, whatever...

c) She is sexually frustrated and needs SOMEONE to fullfil her ( she is not very exigent, a cannibalistic serial killer is OK with her)

2) Ardelia Mapp lives with Clarice, but she will NEVER be in the house, not even careing if Clarice is kidnapped, raped, killed, or abducted by UFOs. She only wants to:

a) have a family

b) go wild on parties

c) fuck any male character that is on the novel/film/author´s imagination

3) Hannibal shall be kicked, shot, beated with sticks, hit with a laundry machine, but he will ALWAYS be ready to fuck Clarice, no matter the circumstances...

4) They will meet in the least expected places: a ship sinks? Anyway, but by a wonderful marvelous miracle, they will end in the same isolated island, in the middle of nowhere, with little (none at all) clothing, and terrible sexual hunger.

5) Any place is perfect to get laid: bed, sofa, a cementery, my bathroom, a table, on top of krendler´s body...

6) EVERY female character will always be attracted to Hannibal, even when he is soaked with blood, smiling, crying, ¨ defecating¨, dancing Macarena...

7) It doesnt matter if Clarice is 17, 20, 30 or 80, she is whether sexually frustrated or a virgin ( likeee a virgiiing, for the very first tiiimeee)

8) The only thought racing inside Mason Verger´s head is the wish of killing Hannibal (it seems that he is a little bit stupid, if he has only one thought)

9) Margot Verger only appears to:

a) kill her brother

b) help Hannibal

c) make fun of Clarice

d) have a hot and disturbing sexual scene with her girlfriend

10) Paul Krendler was, is and will always be an asshole and he will always be killed (by Hannibal, by Clarice, by himself, by a flying piano, by a duck, by any living and no living creature in this world)

11) It doesnt matter if Clarice is wearimg Gucci Armani or Dior shoes, they will always be CHEAP and vulgar.

12) If Hannibal has children, they will be able to contact Clarice, even if they are having a bath in a fountain in the middle of Tokio.

13) Hannibal can be standing in front of Jack Crawford, he will never be recognized (so fuck all the FBI training)

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Hope you like it, dont kill me please, I dont wanna die so young so beautiful and without having loved (?)

R&R please =X

XOXO

Aldus.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Things I learnt**__**/suggest from/for Hannibal fanfics II**_

1_ Hannibal will touch Clarice and she will have an orgasm. Hannibal will **look** at Clarice, and she will have an orgasm. Hannibal will sing, and Clarice will have an orgasm. Hannibal will go to Walt-Mart... and Clarice will have an orgasm... FUCKING LUCKY BITCH WHO IS ALWAYS HAVING ORGASMS!!

2_ Clarice can live in a hole, in the middle of a rain forest, in a far away planet... but Hannibal will be ALWAYS able to find her...

3_ This is indeed a small world. That´s why Hannibal will always be in: Paris, Florence, Venice, London, Tokio and Buenos Aires – I still dont understand the last option... in Buenos Aires we only have pollution... corrupted politicians... and Maradona...-

4_ Hannibal´s eyes are MAROON ! PEOPLE, MAROON! NOT VIOLET, HE´S NOT ELIZABETH TAYLOR !...

5_ Clarice´s house is the secret headquarters of every antagonist in the story. So dont worry Clarice, they know where the bathroom is...

6_ It doesnt matter if Hannibal´s children are 20, 10 or 5 years/months old... they will always read understand and enjoy Marcus Aurelius/ Mozart/ Beethoven – not the dog, the musician-

7_ Hannibal wants to make out with Clarice, who wants to fuck Will Graham, who has fallen in love with Jack Crawford who has a love/hate relationship with Lecter... people this is worse than Harry Potter fanfics written by fangirls ...

8_ Hannibal is about to die, he is dancing in the fine line between life and death, but Clarice, his dear Starling saves him... AND THEN SHE KILLS HIM. WTF? If you are going to save someone, dont kill him afterwards !!!...

9_ Lecter will always find a way to show Clarice that she loves him... whether she likes it or not is not important... for example, Who would deny that Clarice loves that beautiful cannibalistic serial killer when he shows his love for her, grabbing her head and drowning her in the sea?.... Really, Romeo and Juliet are a walk in the park compared to this...

10_ You know? When a man tries to convince a woman that he loves her... he doesnt steal her bra... that´s not charming, thats disturbing!... and illegal...

11_ Clarice is not a lesbian, but in case that she is... SHE WONT MAKE A TRIO WITH ARDELIA AND HANNIBAL! ...

12_ If you are going to write about Jack Crawford wearing a thong and dancing, please rate it M...

13_ A green haired Clarice doesnt count as an OC....

14_ What´s the point in incarcelating Hannibal and Clarice if they will escape?, Because we all know that they will escape, even if they are in Azcaban ( watch Harry Potter 3)

15_ Crossovers: Hannibal and Edward Cullen are NOT soulmates...

16_ The fact that Hannibal had fallen in love with his aunt, doesnt mean that he will fall in love with his (ok class, let´s count): sister, daughter, mother, neighbour, sister in law, my grandmother, you got my point...

17_ NEVER, EVER LOCK A HANNIBAL FANGIRL AND A DEXTER FANGIRL IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER AND LET THEM DECIDE WHICH ONE IS THE BEST... (but that doesnt mean that you cannot watch it...)

18_ Hannibal is a stupidly funny name: try to say this 50 times: Hannibal is a cannibal and loves carnivals... (my song, dont steal it its MINE... MINEE)

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Hope you like it :D

Please read and review.... and Clarice will have an orgasm...

Aldus.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: thanks for all the reviews!

I really apreciate them. Now I included a new topic to this fic: what characters MUSNT DO.... hope you like it ( today´s topic is what character must not sing). The words between ´ etc etc ´ are songs...

Harpy reading...

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Things I learnt from Hannibal fanfics

What characters must not sing in Hannibal musicals/song fics...

1_ Hannibal will look at you and he will know: you childhood, your origins, your wishes, your dreams, your fears, if you use briefs or boxers, what you did last summer... my god, people he is not the fortuneteller !

2_ Clarice must NOT sing ´Im hung up´ (Madonna) every time Hannibal leaves the country...

3_ Ardelia must NOT sing ´gimme gimme gimme a man up to midnight´, until midnight is not enough for her...

4_ Hannibal Must NEVER sing : ´smooth criminal´, ´bad´ or ´man eater´.

5_ Clarice MUST NOT sing ´papa don´t preach´...

6_ Clarice and Hannibal MUST NEVER sing ´dont stop me now´ ( Queen), because it´s more ridiculous than me wearing a thong on my head...

7_ That Hannibal likes fun in his life doesn´t mean that he lives ´la vida loca´...

8_ Clarice must NOT sing ´ if you wanna be my lover´ to Hannibal, because it´s pathetic...

7_ Jack Crawford should never sing ´If I were gay´ (Stephen Lynch) to Will Graham or Hannibal.

8_ Paul Krendler should not sing ´ staying alive´...

9_ Mason Verger must not sing ´poker face´...

10_ Margot must not sing ´give it to me´ to Mason – she wants his sperm to... whatever she wants to do-

11_ If Clarice and Hannibal are going to dance, there´s no need to play ´Evacuate the Dancefloor´ at the background...

12_ The fact that Clarice likes drinking Jack Daniels, doesnt mean that she is ´too drunk to fuck´ ...

13_ Hannibal is not Britney Spears´s ´womanizer´...

14_ Margot Verger must not sing ´ I kissed a girl´...

15_ Hannibal can´t sing ´ boom boom boom I want you in my room´ to Clarice... Please they are good characters, have mercy on them...

16_ Clarice is an alcoholic, but that doesnt allow her to sing ´ Why is the rum gone´...

17_ If Clarice and Hannibal are having sex in a hotel, plaese dont make them do it in an elevator or even worse, with that infernal song playing at the background ( Love in an elevator, - Aero Smith) ...

18_ Mason Verger must not sing ´who let the dogs go out´ to Hannibal...

19_ Lady Murasaki must not sing ´she is not me´ to Hannibal, refering to Clarice...

20_ Ardelia doesnt live in ´funkytown´...

21_ Cordell must not sing ´ you are not alone´ to Mason verger...

22_ Hannibal is not ´too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan´

23_ Paul Krendler must not sing ´open mind´... Im sorry I cant think of a sarcasm, Im laughing too much... .

24_ Hannibal was NOT a member of ´Fine young cannibals´ and he never sang ´she drives me crazy´...

25_ Jame Gumb is NOT a ´pretty woman´ nor a ´dancing queen´

26_ And Mason Verger is not a ´drama queen´! He is in his rights to act like a fifteen year old mestruating girl !!

27_ Hannibal doesnt behave like a paparazzi towards Clarice... (Im your biggest fan, I will follow you until you love me, papa paparazziiii)

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Please read and review! ... Clarice, please stop moaning...

Aldus.

Btw, Im running out of ideas so suggestions will be loved...


	4. Chapter 4

How not to suck at writing a Hannibal fic.

Here I will explain how not to kill a reader when writing a Hannibal fic. This may cause severe loss of IQ and inminent stupidity. Warned you have been.

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1) Choose a good title. And by this I mean "How Hannibal met your mother" is definitely not a good title. Try to be creative and to match the content of the story. For example if you are going to write a comedy, mass suicide is not a good topic. Except for parodies. And it's still a bad topic. Better love story that Twilight though.

2) WATCH HOW YOU SPELL THE NAMES. I am tired of saying this. It's not Lector, Lectar, Lec-something, Lectah. NO. At least read wikipedia before writing if your backside is to heavy to actually grab the book and read the cover. Period.

3) Summary. And here is probably one of the most *horrible* common mistake. You can be an excellent writer. Your story is actually not bad. You have future. Or at least you think you have one. You are writing about Clarice and Hannibal's complex realationship and all the tragedies they have been through. And still you write "Hannibal finds Clarice masturbating at Burguer King's bathroom. Sorry for the summary, better plot inside. Read and review plz! lololol". This makes my eyes bleed. And no, I am not being dramatic.

4) Hannibal's affairs... and here comes the atomic bomb. I strongly suggest you stick with Clarice and... ahem... that aunt of his... whom I will not name... If you feel that is absolutely necessary to create an OC (original character), that you cannot live without doing it, that the world is going to end if you don't write about her... still don't do it.

4-II) OCs. What a terrible invention. Why? Because an OC is very difficult to write. And you end up creating a Mary Sue. What is a Mary Sue? It's something like this. You begin writing about a girl that works at MacDonalds and end up writing about Hannibal and Queen Elizabeth II's daughter who disguises her violet eyes and is a genius (I still wonder how she ended up working at a fastfood place) and is an excellent killer and yada yada yada. See my point? As a reader, I want to jump from a 5th floor and If I survive, jump again.

5) Hannibal and Clarice's sex scene. There are fics called PWP, that means "porn without plot" or "Plot? what plot?". These are generally one shots (believe me, you can't stand 50 chapters of The Good Doctor and Starling have party all night long... except when your lover leaves you and you drown your pain and sadness in this fics... which I totally understand, everyone has issues...). And here comes the sun... if you are uncomfortable writing this kind of things, then DON't WRITE them, or at least practise it before uploading it.

For instance "And the doctor touched Clarice's clitoris gently AndThenHePenetratedHerandYad aYadaYadaHotStuff " is not a good sex scene.

6) Hannibal's sexuality. Oki doki, and you will say "But Aldana are you homophobic?" and I will answer "Who are you? why are you in my kitchen? Why are you naked?" No, I am not homophobic at all. It's just that Hannibal being gay is too unreal for me. I know this yaoi-crazy thing every woman has, but it has it's limits. Or at least don't pair him why another character (Crawford) and write a sex scene (see above) that will end up in a permanent massive trauma for every reader and every reader's mother.

7) Crossovers. Twilight. No.

8) Desctiptions. Describing Clarice's red dress in about 30 pages and uploading a photo of it doesn't fit as a good fic. Nope. Bad idea folks.

9) Song-fics. You want to read a good song fic and you find yourself pityfully reading "hips don't lie" by Shakira. I understand your pain, bro. I know it.

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I ran out of ideas. If anyone wants me to write about a special topic, don't hesitate in pming me or leaving a review. THank you.


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